San Francisco, Starfleet HQ, some time later

[rosebaby3892]

Captain Kirk is all mad: the Federation is launching a new space exploration project, a 5-year mission to the depths of space, and he hopes to be the captain selected for this task. However, having just received a summons from Admiral Pike entitled "Subject: Big Stain ", he assumes that he is being called to give him such a command. Already ready to spin the napkins, Kirk returns victorious to the office of his superior and former captain, but soon becomes disillusioned and finds himself obliged to put his napkin back in its ring (napkin ring, you little rascal) upon realizing that if he had better understood the difference between stain and stain, he would not have gotten so carried away: Admiral Pike is not happy.

"Kirk, my young friend, I'm very disappointed in you. I read your report on your last buy bulk sms service mission: 'Nothing special happened, kisses.' Do you confirm that?
– Yes. Especially the kiss.
– Good. Tough luck for you, and I'm not even talking about his haircut: Spock gave me his report too. And since he can't lie, I don't have the same version.
– Spock, you little bastard!
– Captain Tutut: Read Spock's report instead.
0

Mr. Spock's Journal, Stardate: Mother's Day

Dear Diary, I've been feeling very lonely since Mom got hit in the face by a black hole in the previous movie. So who am I going to give this salt dough necklace to? I'm not sure. Kirk is a bit of an idiot; he'd be damned if he tried to eat it, like he did last year with the pasta shell one. I think I'll give it to my girlfriend, Officer Uhura, as soon as I find out her name, even though my Vulcan logic tells me it's Hipipip. Oh yeah, by the way, today there was a mission on the agenda: we were studying a primitive civilization on Gloubitz-8 when we suddenly detected a volcanic eruption. Kirk said we had to save said civilization.

so he suggested stopping the eruption by triggering cold fusion. Well, since we have transporters, I thought, "Okay, we'll just drop the thing into the crater from orbit, and that's it," but no: the captain insisted on hiding our ship underwater right next to the local pleupleu village, then he decided on a plan involving moving the primitives 500 meters by stealing a sacred scroll before running away under their fire, then again, rather than beaming back to the Enterprise safely and dry, he preferred to jump off a cliff. Meanwhile, I, dropped off by a useless shuttle, languished at the bottom of the volcano arming the bomb, until the Enterprise came to pick me up. In doing so, the primitives saw our ship, and we therefore violated the Prime Directive "Do Not Interfere." Let me point out that I was willing to die for compliance with this directive by asking the Enterprise not to come for me, even though I was already violating it by simply being there with a fusion bomb at the bottom of a volcano. Don't ask me why. Please, if you're reading this report, take me out of this movie. And take me to a haircut, please.